Chronicles of an Amateur

Started another blog. :) On movies that I have watched and plan to watch. http://gansmovies.blogspot.com/ You ppl can pop in anytime and take a look. There is currently one post. There will be no posts about Fellini, Bergman, Satyajit Ray, etc, etc..... and all that bullshit. Just my views on movies that I have watched.....

Labels: Random

Dear car/ bike/ auto wallahs,

Hope you people are in the peach of health. My respect for you all has been constantly growing day by day. In the negative sense, that is. The reasons are many. For a start, the traffic signals exist for a reason. In case you didn’t know, they are there to regulate the traffic. So the next time you wait at the signal, don’t press the effing horn all the time. You can use the finger for better purposes. You will get your turn to move. And just because the counter shows 5 seconds, it doesn’t mean that you have the liberty to move and jam the roads for the people coming from other sides. You can be a fucking Neanderthal. But still, the others are pretty civilized. And just because you start moving, the people at the back honk. Your stupid act makes a lot of people to break the rules.

If you switch lanes or plan to over take a vehicle (including mine), use the indicator (yeah, the one that blinks when u push a switch), and use the horn. I am not an effing mind reader to know that you are going to switch lanes. Do use the horn, but please remember that the horn does not power your vehicle. Petrol/ diesel/ battery does. There is absolutely no need to keep your finger on the horn all the time. Once again, you can use the finger for better purposes.

Yep, there is a law for you to wear the helmet while on a bike and we do realize that you can break laws. But understand, you dimwit, that your life comes first. Pray tell me, what’s the use of wearing your helmet on your hand while driving? Your hairstyle is important. But you do need a head for all that. Or do you mean to say that your brain is totally devoid of anything? If people can bear the analogy, wearing your helmet on the hand and driving is very much akin to having a condom on your finger while having sex. Both (on unfamiliar territory) are extremely dangerous. And if you do wear a helmet, STRAP it. There’s no point in having an expensive helmet, but you don’t strap it. I am not going to talk about Bangalore traffic.

This is very much a rant. I am not irritated with everyone out there. And if it does make sense to you, and if you have this irritating habit, please dissuade yourself and your friends from making these mistakes.

Labels: Random, Rant

Pre Script: Long Time No See!! :)

It has been a general practice (or should it be practise??) in Tamil cinema to mute controversial dialogues or vulgar words in a song. Though the song sounds innocuous when heard, the censor doesnt relent. It mutes it out. All is well, except for the fact that it achieves what the lyricist wanted to do. Send out the meaning of the song to the public.

There exists the same practice in corporate culture. Profanities and F words are not allowed in emails, discussion forums, etc. I guess they employ a filter which has a pre defined list like sex, fuck, etc which takes that word and replaces it with ***. Fine, but I think that it should be CONTEXTUAL BASED, rather than filtering it out every time. You dont agree with me?? Well, take an example: The word "Illustration" was filtered out and replaced with ***. Why? Coz, that word I-L-L-U-S-T-R-A-T-I-O-N, contains the word, LUST. Funny, aint it??

So consider a discussion where people are discussing their place of origin. A guy from Sussex types in, "I come from Sussex". The only glitch is that, it will be displayed as, "I come from ***". Technically correct, yes, but what about the poor guy?? :) Take another example where a guy is leaving for onsite, and his place is Wessex. He wants to say farewell to his forum friends for now. He types in and it gets displayed as, "I am leaving for ***". :) You can imagine the comments that follow this.

I rest my case!! :)

Labels: Random, WTF

In the recent spate of Universities giving doctorates to all undeserving candidates, I hereby cast my vote for the Mallu Bomb aka Chechi, Shakeela for the doctorate given by Dr. Prakash University. I am sure that you must be knowing that she is not an undeserving candidate. I can give you a list of her achievements like,

1) She was singlehandedly responsible for resurrecting the Mallu Porn industry.
2) She had previously induced fear in the hearts of stalwarts like Mammooty, Mohan Lal. They went to the extent of getting a stay order for her films.
3) The titles of her films will thrill my Guru Naathar, Thamizh Naattu Singam, TR. Its not everyday that movies with rhyming titles like, "Paappaa poatta Thaappaa" come.
4) At a time when dubbed movies had no scope, her movies were the only ones which could boast of a repeat audience.

Need I say more? I request you all to sign an online petition for her doctorate candidature. I will be sending the mail shortly. As for her wax statue at Madam Tussauds, they have declined the signed petition saying that the amount of wax they have is not enough to make half a Shakeela, leave alone a whole one.

Victory celebrations are already underway, foreseeing her victory. Visitors will be subject to her Belly dance (what else??), for the following song,

(Male)
"Never seen her before act like this,
She makes a Mallu want to speak English,
Entha Molae, Entha Monae....
Shakeela, Shakeela....."

(Female)
"Oh Mallu, when you talk like that....
You make this chechi go mad,
So be wise, and keep on,
Measuring the size of my body......"

Labels: Doctorate, Mallu, Random, WTF

One of my friends recently read a book, written by Osho. Yeah, the same guy who gave us the different benefits of using the word, 'fuck'. If you guys havent heard that audio, I request you to hear that. Its much worthwhile than doing your mundane work. Funny and ridiculous to the max. Coming back to the book that my friend had read, it is called "Sex Matters". And herein lies my doubt. Isnt the title redundant. Isnt Sex and Matters the same?? :P

Labels: Random, WTF

I had been to Chak De recently when I saw an ad for Tamanna, a textile shop. It consisted of slide shows of females, flaunting their well toned bodies in an array of dresses. The ad finished off with the line, “The ultimate desire of every woman” :-O When you show an array of females and proclaim, “The ultimate desire of every woman”; I mean, I don’t know about a select few, but I can safely assume the majority’s sexual tendency. Showing good / sexy dresses and then saying that as a desire of women is okay. But this? Wouldn’t it have been better for the ad line to have been, “The ultimate desire of every man”, as in, a girl in Tamanna’s dress is sought after by the opposite sex. What say? :)

Labels: Random

I recently got a mail from my relative/ friend who was explaining the s/w business cycle to me. I found it funny, and so here it is, in my blog, with his permission

Story of IT development

External Business: We need Mangoes

It Analyst Specs: Yellow colour fruit with seed in the center about 300 gms each

IT Dev Design: Ahhh!! it’s a big orange that’s what they need, the spec mistakenly spelt it as ‘seed’ instead of ‘seeds’, see this is exactly the same thing we gave our previous customer :)

IT Top mgmt: Now this is what we call cost saving because of reuse of code…as per our management strategies…Blah…Blah…Blah….we’ll save literally all the money in making it

IT Test: Test the seed…test the color…….test the wt…..if all are right, pass it…even if it is a small watermelon, that is fine

Finally to the customer: Over ripe water melon.... :)

Customer….Sheepishly, waw!! we got a new product we never new we wanted…thanks

IT top mgmt: Please pay for a Mango, Orange and a watermelon

Customer: wh…wha….what?

IT top Mgmt: But U r bound by the legal agreement to do so…

Customer: well thanks…herez Ur cheque (We’ll pretend to the world that we really made a smart decision of computerizing some thing, Ur’s is a great company "fill in the company motto", we only asked for a mango and look we got a 3 in 1…now that’s value for money U see….we have to say this lest we’ll look like fools to everybody)

Moral:

The only people creating the revenue in the IT industry are the legal experts J…no wonder we never get an ‘Exceeded’ in our appraisals, we got to be High class conmen or Legal goons to make revenue impact to qualify for an ‘exceeded’ rating ;)

Labels: Random

The news is out at last!! After a few months, you will be able to see people at work (??) (Sat-Work ) even on Saturdays. The reason is that, since the rupee is strengthening, it is essential that ppl work on Saturdays to compensate. But what do the software people think about this? Read on…..

“This is fantastic news. This will help me in achieving my goal. I am already in the last stage of that. By any chance, do you know how to play the last stage in Max Payne? It’s tough playing it when the manager is looking at you” a free pooler for the last eight months said this.

“Yes….. yes…… yes yes yes yes …………..yes yes yes yes …….yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. From now on, all the lovebirds will have one day less to be together. I am constantly annoyed by the bickering of these people in MG road, etc. Plus, on Saturdays, these people will use the company phone to chat for hours, thereby depleting the office resources also. One stone, two mangoes, hah”, a guy remaining single for 8 years remarked rather strongly.

“Fortunately, I have no such issues. My gal is in this company only. Guess along with the company, I have also acted with foresight. Now if only, I can move to the same project………..”, the guy’s voice wistfully trailed off.

“This is an outrage. We will not accept this. Movies like RDB have not been wasted on us. We will start an sms and email campaign using the same office resources. We will not accept any call on Saturday, except Nature’s call”, the first voice of protest broke out.

“I have been coming to the office on Saturdays all these days. But I have been reimbursing the amount all these years. So my vote depends on the reimbursement factor”, remarked the guy who has reportedly bought a car and is contemplating a house with the reimbursement amount.

“Frankly, I don’t see what the fuss is about. Why should people crib about working? I have been doing this for the last ten years. I have always been providing support to my people”, a senior guy told us. That the senior guy does not work even on weekdays, but only provides support, is a different case.

S&M gets gay!!

The S&M people at the service companies were overjoyed to hear this news. Err… S&M means Support & Maintenance. Don’t think otherwise.

“All this while, the development people thought low about the Support group. Now on, we will be there in the office, jobless as always, but we will see to it that we drive the point home with the dev guys. Think about the pleasures that we will get. No customer will be there in the office to give us work, whereas the dev guys will be slogging as always”, a guy jubilantly remarked.

Various people, various reactions…. What next??

--Aasaami, Thamaasu TV

Labels: Random, WTF

Venue: A Popular Restaurant
Seating Place: Prime

A woman at the counter, with her guy beside her

A: That female is looking good, (the other two take a look and reply in the affirmative). But that guy looks like a dummy. Avanukkellaam ipadi amaiyuthu.....

B: That dummy is the one who made her a mummy. So keep quiet.

A: But hey, they keep looking uneasily at others. Something fishy, really fishy....

C: Probably, its his neighbour's wife.....

Loud laughter ensued. Ah, it is sessions like these that invigorate the mind!! :)

Got back home to find out that D is doing a great service to the telephone industry, well, AIRTEL!! One missed call from that someone, and D will disappear for a long time!! Hmmm.... everyone's settling down.....

* --> Names coded to protect privacy!! :)

Labels: Random